“The Office” returns for a full hour tonight. The new Foo Fighters album isn’t lame. Donovan McNabb made a statement on the field, matching one off it, and so my fantasy football team is 3-0. I got permission to spend $5 on a “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut” DVD. Life is good.
“The Office” returns for a full hour tonight. The new Foo Fighters album isn’t lame. Donovan McNabb made a statement on the field, matching one off it, and so my fantasy football team is 3-0.
I got permission to spend $5 on a “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut” DVD. Life is good.
It’s OK if you’re backing up to re-read right now. Rest assured, you read “permission” correctly.
I haven’t had to flash I.D. for an R-rated movie since George W. Bush took office, and I wasn’t forced at knifepoint to burn my man card. Consider it an unspoken compromise with my fiancee, and a tacit admission of addiction, to stem the tide of digital video discs overrunning our house.
There are probably more than 500 movies in the collection. Have I watched all of these DVDs? No. Have I owned some of these unwatched DVDs for more than four years? Yes. Why do I need so many? For when I become incapacitated or independently wealthy, whichever arrives sooner.
The go-ahead on “South Park” was an easy one; it’s a tit-for-tat replacement of VHS with DVD. A slimmer case takes up a tad less space than a box, and that’s what it boils down to. Shelf space, a final frontier in which everyone from Deuce Bigalow to Lawrence of Arabia has staked a claim.
If I buy a CD based on two songs and the rest is trash, I can sell it to make room for that new Foo Fighters album. I typically don’t buy DVDs that way. Such purchases usually are films I liked enough to watch several times, rattling windows with 5.1 Surround sound.
There are exceptions. Even though it has the execrable “U-Turn,” I couldn’t pass on a 12-movie Oliver Stone Collection for — no misprint — $9.99 brand new. I own “Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones,” even though I hated it, because I’m a completist. It’s also Reason No. 925 Why I’m a Dork. There also was “The Last Kiss,” with Zach Braff, bought sight unseen as it saved money on a two-fer deal. Big mistake. Seriously. Calling all takers, as we’ll never watch it again.
The easy solution is buying a new shelf. Brother, the monolithic pieces of wood we’d need are sold only at IKEA, and that store is neither close nor cheap.
People perusing the stock often ask of certain titles: “Uh … why do you have that?” Not that I should have to explain, but certain movies of questionable repute need an advocate. You know the ones I’m talking about, the pleasures so guilty they’re serving consecutive life terms.
In the spirit of sharing, I want to know which movies aren’t just guilty pleasures of yours, but ones for which you’ve paid good money and could never part with, even if shelf space runs out.
Tell me why by e-mailing, calling, leaving a comment online or visiting the post today on my blog, Unpainted Huffhines. To kick it off, here are some films under the most fire in my collection.
“The Big Hit”: Mark Wahlberg’s first post-“Boogie Nights” role was a hitman named Melvin Smiley with problems at home, the video store (“King Kong Lives” is overdue) and with Lou Diamond Phillips chewing scenery. Great, garish comic action, but friends who disagree add an “s.”
“Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”: File it with “Babe: Pig in the City” and “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” as a sequel few people appreciate for being as good, in a different way, as the original. The sequence of Bill and Ted battling the Grim Reaper for their souls by way of board games is sublime.
“Deep Blue Sea”: “Jaws” notwithstanding, this is the greatest movie ever made about killer sharks. Make that genetically enhanced, super-smart, ’roided-up sharks who get really angry. Gory and with a bleak streak of grim humor, it’s got one of the finest surprise death scenes in memory.
“Hudson Hawk”: Yes, this notorious dud has Bruce Willis in mad-vanity mode. It’s also compellingly weird, a musical/action/comedy about a burglar stumbling into a Da Vinci conspiracy long before Dan Brown created Robert Langdon. Oh, and Andie MacDowell makes dolphin noises.
“Joe vs. the Volcano”: The only good movie Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan ever made together was their first one. I don’t get the almost universal hatred of this sweet-comedy throwback starring Hanks as a guy with a terminal illness seeking a grand exit. Its tone is perfect from start to finish.
“Tango and Cash”: An unrepentantly loud, gleefully stupid movie about polar-opposite cops (Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell) was a forefather to “Bad Boys.” It also preceded “City Slickers” as part of Jack Palance’s comeback. He’s a tough guy whose name is, hehe, Yves.
Nick Rogers can be reached at 217-747-9587 or email@example.com. Read his blog, Unpainted Huffhines, at blogs.sj-r.com/unpaintedhuffhines. Oh, and the only reason he has “Ghostbusters 2” is because it was packaged with “Ghostbusters.”